Damn, Girl

May 9th 2013:

So I was walking to my car after work and this guy in a car stops and rolls down the window to say, "Damn, girl!" or some forgettable variation of the same sentiment. (Ah yes, thank you, sir, an expletive plus my gender, what high praise!) But I appreciate a little shout out, so I smile and wave, as usual, while barely glancing his direction, and go on my merry way.

But to my bewilderment this guy seems inexplicably hurt by my apparently inadequate acknowledgement of his gracious bestowal of untold flattery. He yells out of the window, "You didn't even LOOK at me!" And then speeds off in what appeared to be the college-boy version of a tantrum.

My goodness! I'm sorry your half-assed attempt to get my attention did not blow my skirt up around my face and shine a heavenly spotlight of grace upon my bosom so that I may finally, from the eloquence of your admiration, see that I am possibly worthy to look upon. How rude of me to not leap into your car and let you ravage me then and there, since you’ll probably be the only man on this earth to ever fully appreciate my questionable beauty! Lawd. I appreciate flattery just as much as the next girl, but pro-tip: If you really want female reciprocity for your admiration, try not lamely regurgitating the stream-of-consciousness word vomit of every skeezy rapper or socially stunted club-goer who ever tried to grind his boner against anything without a boner. Especially from your car window like an uncontrollably panting dog. Until then, I think a polite acknowledgment of your “admiration” is really more than you deserve, champ, no matter how special of a snowflake your mommy told you you are.

Originality + need = profit. Basic principles of supply and demand. Produce the same old shit with no unique incentive to buy and you’ll end up bankrupt. That’s right, I mean Booty Bank bankrupt, and we all know that is the worst kind. Better start getting to know your customers, slick. "Damn, girl" has flooded the market. Start producing something we need or get out of the business.