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I just wrote "eat pizza" on my To-Do List so I could scratch something off...

March 25th 2013: When I was little, I was consistently one of, if not THE, highest cookie sellers in my various Girl Scout troops. I would pound the pavement every year multiple times, with a checklist to make sure I caught people who weren't home the first go-round.

I even had memorized what houses ordered what each year.

I had several dazzling spiels for each circumstance I encountered, I had big doe eyes, and I had POWER.

Anyway, there's a house on my street that would never buy GS cookies from me due to their son having a "wheat allergy." That was all fine and good; in business you have to let some things slide. Until one day I caught their son eating definitely-full-of-wheat crackers with unabashed gusto.

...My wrath was immeasurable and it was swift.

And now I just realized that even at 24-years-old, every time I walk by that house I smell phantom Girl Scout cookies. Bitter, bitter Girl Scout Grudge Cookies of Hate.

The GS motto was "Always be prepared." My motto is "NEVER forget."

March 29th 2013: So last night I'm at the bar closing my tab when some guy places his open palm on the small of my back and then slowly and deliberately drags it across the entire curve of my buttocks. Naturally, I turned around to say a slightly more colorful variation of "Excuse me sir, I am a LADY" and of course he says "HaHaHaHaaa! I thought you were someone else." I cynically turn back to my receipt, and just as I do, I see a guy on the OTHER side of me slip my ID card off of the counter and try to hide it. After I begin ripping that buffoon a new asshole he informs me that I am overreacting to his great joke and gives it back to me, while being flirty, but I think my feathers were rightfully ruffled after a groping and a theft in the span of 20 seconds.

So either the men in this town are getting tragically more horrendous at picking up women, or I fell victim to a couple of bumbling idiots trying to work out their new card thievery scam.

Either way, as my kindergarten teacher would say: "Keep your goddamn hands to yourself."

May 12th 2013:

In the future there will be entire Show-And-Tell days during Family Tree Week in elementary school dedicated to bringing in your ancestors' drunk selfies. It will not only give the children insight into the social structure of the times, but valuable research practice scouring the ancient fabled "Facebook" database. Here you go, future progeny. Hope you're enjoying the post-WWIII/apocalypse utopia.

May 15th 2013: I think all food you home-make should have to obey you like you're its parent. So when I say, "Go to my boobs, brownie!" it would have to do it or have all of its fat-depositing privileges taken away.

May 16th 2013: Showering with a parrot at least doubles my time in there. Mostly just because all of the solos have to be changed to duets

August 23 2013: So I've noticed I'm more likely to have my butt fondled by guys I know if I'm wearing a long flowy skirt or dress rather than something tight or short. It's like if they can't see it they're not certain it still exists and they just have to check and make sure.

Alright, amateur Schrodingers, no further "philosophizing" necessary, the ass is alive, and I think maybe it's time we re-evaluated Peek-a-boo's possible long-lasting effects on society.

April 21st 2014: There aren't a lot of things at which I feel I am truly an expert as I enter into "adulthood" on my wobbly dappled fawn legs; not a lot of things I would say my childhood has fully prepared me for in the big bad world. But if I'm good at anything it's hearing my dad rummaging through my Easter basket from the other end of the house as clearly as if he was crunching my malted milk eggs right in my ear. The first crinkle of a wrapper draws my attention like a bloodhound to a scent. "Whyyyy?" cry the M&M's as he systematically rifles through the plastic grass with military precision. "Dear God help ussssss!" Scream the jellybeans as they fall victim in droves. I hear your furtive candy genocide, Dad. I ALWAYS hear.

April 28th 2014: I swear, every time I'm at the grocery store and I think no one's around to see me struggling to reach something on the top shelf I'm suddenly swarmed by strange men making fun of my height. It's like tall men in the grocery store are genies, except instead of emerging from sexy bottles, they spring out of canned goods when lightly brushed by desperately grasping fingertips, and the only wish they ever grant is to serve you some green beans with a side of smartass. Glad to have the help, I'm just saying, if you guys are gonna bust out of the shelves to grant wishes I'd rather just be taller.

May 22nd 2014: So today I'm in the grocery store trying to decide what color pony-rings to get (brown or black brown or black BROWN OR BLACK? Oooohhh blondey-browny-black? No, black.), when this teenage-to-mid-twenties girl comes barreling up next to me and basically pushes me aside. I'm like "Damn, okay, maybe this poor broad needs an emergency scrunchie ASAP to make it look like she's purposefully going for that 80's look she has happening. Alright, have at it, sweetheart, I can wait while you make your quick selection and beat it." Nope, this person stands there, right where I previously stood, for like 45 seconds, leisurely perusing the shiny plastic hair jails.

I finally stopped blinking in affronted disbelief and thought, "My God... This girl does not understand the basic etiquette of shopping proximity and gentle maneuvering that we all learn by the time we are aware of what our society deems to be the correct amount of personal space..."

Well, you know what, guys? It's up to each and every one of us to teach each other what is societally acceptable. This poor lass obviously missed a very valuable social lesson somewhere down the line and if I didn't step up and help her out who would? WHO? It was time to put on my teacher hat and get to work. I had to. FOR HER.

So I did what any adroit lifetime shopper, professional feminist, and part-time life professor would do: I let out a very convincing "hmmmmmm..." and slowly inched her out of my way in the most passive aggressive way possible. It was slow work, but she didn't even know what hit her until she was no longer standing in front of the hair accessories but now unwillingly perusing deodorant. With my transfer complete, I stood there for a couple more minutes than I needed to, to let the lesson sink in; squatting down a few times, letting out several more "hmmm"s, and acting like I was going to choose something, before finally selecting NOTHING, smiling at her with a few more pointed blinks than strictly necessary, and confidently sauntering away. Class dismissed. You're welcome, dear student.

September 10th, 2014: My dentist asked me on the last visit if maybe I clench my teeth when I'm sleeping. I said "hmmm not that I know of" but ever since then I've been trying to pay attention and I DO! I DO clench! In fact, I sleep extraordinarily aggressively. I go to sleep like this might be the night the Huns attack my village and I'm some kind of Dragon Warrior, so I'm ready as hell for them to bring that shit to my turf. I go to sleep like I'm trying to find reasonably priced plane tickets to anywhere. I would even go as far as to say that I go to sleep like I'm about to witness a climate change or feminism segment on Fox News. However, now that I've noticed this, my teeth hurt from all that clenching and I no longer have any idea how to naturally hold my teeth in my mouth when I'm awake. So if you see me walking around town with my mouth wide open, possibly drooling, I haven't had a stroke, my teeth are just staging a vehement workers' strike in there and I have no idea what to do with my face. Help.

September 16th 2014: Alright, I just wanted to know why my bird's feathers smell like popcorn all the time and guess what guys, there are multiple forums for very intense bird-sniffing-bird-owners to all go back and forth about their parrots smelling "heavenly" and "gorgeous" and "intoxicatingly wonderful." They all especially like to sniff their parrots' beaks.

Y'all...there are legions of people out there right now who are sitting around huffing their tropical bird's breath and then describing it to other people. They also call themselves "parronts."

If anyone feels like an outcast or freak at any point, just search the internet for a while. No one is normal and everyone is.

Also, it seems that my bird may be getting the short end of the stick here with her "parront". Hold on Tango, I'm on my way to sommelier you like the fine bird-wine that you apparently are.

October 2nd 2014: Maybe I'm like a goldfish and I never surpassed 5'2 because I've been sleeping in twin beds for the vast majority of my life.

November 5th 2014: Yesterday I voted with my dad and upon exiting the building an elderly gentleman walked up to him and said, "Oh hey! I didn't recognize you with clothes on!" ...After a legitimate Hank Hill "BWAHHHH!!" on my part, and some consternation on my dad's, it was determined that apparently, to Elderly Gentleman, the shorts and t-shirt my dad usually wears to walk the dog around the neighborhood do not constitute "clothes." The horror of generation gaps, my friends. As Kim so eloquently put it: "Haha! Your dad got slut-shamed!"

November 30th 2014: I went into the refrigerator looking for dill pickles but the sweet pickles were in front of them so I briefly considered eating a sweet pickle instead. Just as my hand wrapped around the sweet pickle jar, my brain said, "is this your life? You would give up so easily on your dreams?" Reach for the dill pickles, everyone.

June 24th 2015: My roommate just caught me quietly singing "All By Myself" in my bedroom but then when she tried to call me out on it a mysterious Frito fell out of her shorts. Living together: the great equalizer.

August 6th 2015:

[At the end of my date tonight while being dropped off at my house] Me: "And there's my bedroom window, in case you want to throw pebbles at it or blare music towards it from a stereo you're holding above your head." Him: ......... Me: ...Welp, see ya later!

August 7, 2015:

Top 3 Reasons to Wear Black: 1) I'm dark and dangerous, an enigma shrouded in mystery. Black is good camouflage for shrinking into the shadows of my favorite tenebrous alleyways after saying something cryptic. 2) My eating habits consist of flinging large quantities of food in my general direction and hoping at least 30% of it makes it into my mouth. Black is mostly agreeable to this. 3) Figure flattering and sophisticated!

September 3rd 2015: So my parents and roommates have been telling me for years that I sing out loud without knowing that I'm doing it and I'm always shocked because most of the time I truly don't know I'm belting out "Colors of the Wind" or "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" or "All by Myself," etc. etc. until they tell me. ....I just caught myself singing myself to sleep. Like...face against my pillow, cuddled under the covers, my eyes suddenly fluttered open to a faint but passionate rendition of "Trouble" by Taylor Swift. This is a new low for me and I am scared.

September 25th 2015:

Travel Log: Hour 5 of Driving. Cabin fever has set in. Drinking coffee for the third time in my entire life. Camera has become my "Wilson." Looked over at it in the front seat without its tripod and couldn't help but yell, "YOU AIN'T GOT NO LEGS LT. CAM!!!" Possibly a result of the coffee. One hour to go. ‪#‎tomhanksislife

October 15th 2015: Completely alone at work so often that my office professionalism levels have dropped into the negatives. Boss caught me pretending my oversized sweater vest was pterodactyl wings. No way to save that one.

November 25th 2015: Oh man, a mom was obviously struggling with her two young girls in the handicapped stall ("girls do NOT put that in your MOUTH, that's DIRTY!!" "NO! No, do NOT open the door yet." "Okay, please stop poking your sister in the face.") and apparently it was finally her turn to use the facilities, because in response to a faint, and probably chagrined, tinkling sound, the youngest one suddenly started clapping and yelling "YAY MOMMY!!!"

"Girls, no, stop tha-- "Yay mommy!!! Yay mommy! YAY MOMMY!!!"

And so the potty trainee becomes the potty trainer. ‪#‎bathroomcheerleader ‪#‎jealous ‪#‎ialsodidagoodjobpeeing‪#‎whereismyapplause

December 11th 2015: Sometimes when I'm transcribing interviews and I'm moved to tears by a stranger's story, crying freely at my desk like a true professional, I think that the world would be a much better place if we all just simply had to look into the eyes of people we don't think are like us at all, or listen to the tremor in someone else's voice while they tell their story, and really see that when it comes down to it, we all have the exact same hopes, fears, and dreams; Everyone wants to be happy and everyone wants to minimize their chances of bad things happening to them. People are people and we're all connected. ...Then other times, when I find myself typing out an interviewee's words as if the keyboard has wronged me and simultaneously hate-whispering into my computer screen "DEAR GOD PETER, IS YOUR LIFE JUST ONE LONG, INCOMPREHENSIBLE RUN-ON SENTENCE?! IS IT, PETER?!" I realize that if we don't want more incidents of violent crime than we're already currently having issues with, we definitely need to keep the number of people transcribing interviews to a minimum though.

December 12th 2015: Some guy actually said to me as I was leaving the bar: "Bye-bye, Big Booty Judy," with an extreme southern drawl, a smirk, and a wink towards my ass, even though I was wearing a knee-length coat that obscured the entire bodily region in question. The modern Shakespeare walks among us, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned for his next literary masterpiece: Romeo and Dat Ass.

December 24th 2015: I'm used to losing my mother in grocery stores because she's hobbit-sized and I'm pretty sure she can teleport, but luckily this time the antler headband with bells on it made her much easier to spot and cut my search-time in half. Merry Christmas Eve everybody!

December 25th 2015: Made my grandma joy-cry over my present for her again this year...All part of my plan to collect her tears for my immortality serum. Merry Christmas, puny mortals!

December 31st 2015: Party Host Problems: immediately cleaning up the hummus on the floor but totally forgetting about the hummus on your boob.

January 8th 2016: I texted someone that I was awarding "10 points to Drunkendor!" for one of their supremely inebriated actions and now my phone autocorrects "drunk" to "Drunkendor" every single time. This is my favorite autocorrect situation ever.‪ #‎harrypotter‬ ‪#‎5thhouse‬

January 16th 2016:

Decide I need to get out of the house more.

Go to the mall on a Saturday.

Decide to never, ever leave the house again.

February 24th 2016: My current supervisor, whose office is five paces from my office, is making me do a phone interview for a new position at the same organization where we currently work, and where I have been working on and off for six years......from my office...while he's in his office.

If I bring my phone into his office and stare at him during the interview do you think that would knock me out of the running or show that I'm a problem-solver and self-starter?

March 3rd 2016: Hayley and I go into a public restroom at the Hillary Clinton rally (because Bill is speaking and we enjoy fangirl squealing until we pass out) with three stalls, the middle of which is already occupied. We each take one of the side stalls, chattering the entire time:

Me: OH MY GOD I was just stabbed in the butt by the TP dispenser, how do I ALWAYS end up bruising myself in every situation?!

Hayley: You bruise like a peach!

Me: well this is the smallest stall I've ever been in, I have to straddle the toilet to close the door--Middle stall: ...wait...this isn't the men's restroom?

Us: ...nope...

Middle Stall: well this is embarrassing, but I'm also out of toilet paper...so...

Congratulations, man! You just participated in your first women's restroom conversation! First you decide to back the female presidential candidate and then you end up in the women's restroom. Slippery slope my friend, slippery slope...

March 7th 2016:

My 78-year-old, very nice seat-mate on the plane:

"My sisters and I were in town for a big family party! Well...it was our brother's funeral."

"My friend had a small personal jet! He crashed it and he and his wife died."

"My wife and I are living the dream! Except we just found out she has two kinds of cancer."

I thought I was on a plane but apparently I was on an emotional roller coaster :(

March 8th 2016: See, I just can't work out in the same room as other people because I inevitably end up one-arm-cleaning-and-pressing with a too-heavy dumbbell, or in a silent squat battle with the only other (bewildered) person in the hotel gym. But in case anyone was wondering, I definitely beat. her. ass.

March 13th 2016: I swear to god if one more 21-22 year-old-boy who is trying to hit on me finds out how old I am and says, "whoa! You look good for your age!" I'm going to have to shuffle over from my backgammon game and hit them with my walker

March 20th 2016: This morning I have:

1. Been interviewed for the news about how detrimental the alcohol ban in Gulf Shores is going to be for LSU spring breakers. ‪#‎yolo‬

2. Caught an exuberantly escaped dog, promptly released the escaped dog, caught the escaped dog again.

3. Eaten a Reese's egg while doing crunches.

Spring has sprung!

May 5th 2016: I just found an audio diary cassette tape from when I was nine years old. Nice to know that I've always had the alone-time habit of alternating wildly between humming, singing, crying about my parents being mean to me, listing the desserts I was allowed to eat that day, rapping, telling my own made up jokes, and pretending that I personally know Mary-Kate and Ashley (rather than that being a strictly recent development).

May 11th 2016: Had my dad try one of the chocolate peanut butter balls I made last weekend that all of my friends have been raving over. He ate it and said "Mmmmmm!" ...EXACTLY like he used to when he would pretend to eat the toy food I "made" for him as a child.

...........

THAT SHIT IS GOOD GODDAMMIT I USED REAL INGREDIENTS AND EVERYTHING PREPARE TO EAT 300 MORE OF THEM THE "THROWING IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER" TRICK ISN'T GOING TO WORK THIS TIME EXCUSE ME WHILE I DIG MY EASY-BAKE OVEN OUT OF THE ATTIC MAKE THAT "MMMM" SOUND ONE MORE TIME

May 24th 2016: So, I'm digitizing some old family cassette tapes for my dad, and the current tape is of my whole family opening Christmas presents at my Mammaw's house in 1996. It was around that time that my mom and I had about 27 Zebra Finches (they bred uncontrollably...we started out with three) in one giant cage, and apparently we brought all of them to the house that Christmas, because most of the tape is supplemented by a chorus of incessant beeping. Thus, for the entire joyful occasion, filled with the sounds of the crinkle and tearing of wrapping paper, my delighted childhood squeals, and the other family members' gasps of pleasure and heartfelt 'thank you's,' it sounds as if every single member of the Wilkins family only received squeaky toys as presents that year, and we were absolutely loving it. It's the simple things in life, folks. ‪#‎godblessthe90s‬ ‪#‎godbless90stechnology‬

May 26th 2016: 20-second wait at the DMV, and in and out in a total of 10 minutes! Have I entered a parallel universe where slow things are fast? Do cheetahs inch around this world while snails zoom by in a blur of light? Do trees grow up and die in tens of years, while humans dig in their roots and reach up their fingers over hundreds? Are all of the stars of distant galaxies popping in and out of existence like fireworks while our one small sun smolders on into an eternity as old as the universe itself?

...The wait for my car inspection and oil change has not been as short...