Bye Bye, Baby

When I was born, our beautiful golden retriever, Sandy, was the taken-for-granted, furry cornerstone of my life. I crawled all over and laid on her endlessly, fed her sticks like she was a golden mulch machine, "threw" balls for her that always ended up rolling down my back instead (but that she diligently retrieved anyway). And she lovingly obliged me in all of my whims (...or maybe she was just too old to get away). She died when I was three, and even though I was too young to even really remember her when she passed, I always felt the absence of a dog in my life after that. And so for eleven years I begged my parents for a new dog. For eleven years I used crocodile tears and real ones to support my case. For eleven years I passive aggressively mentioned how greatly my middle-class, white, private-school, suburban life would be improved by the presence of a canine companion, and how only true monsters would deny someone that one necessary human need. And finally, finally, at age 14, my parents allowed me the bliss of knowing what it was like to be best friends with a wonderful, sweet, beautiful dog: my Sadie. We did everything we could for her in her last days. I had to carry her everywhere because she was usually too weak to walk, my dad started sleeping on the floor with her, and on multiple occasions I had to prop her up with my hands and feet while I waited for her to regain control of all of her legs. We brought her to the vet school yesterday in preparation of getting an MRI, determined to get to the root of the problem no matter the cost. The preliminary ultrasound revealed that she had an extremely aggressive metastatic cancer that had spread from her liver to her heart and brain. Her liver was basically entirely tumor at this point, and she was bleeding internally. An MRI was not necessary after that.

So after 13 years of Sadie easing our various sufferings with her sweetness and love, the only thing left to do was to ease hers.

I will forever be grateful for my dear, sweet Sadie. The best listener, best cuddle partner, and my most loyal, and least contrary, friend (she NEVER argued with me, it was amazing!). She was my favorite playmate and adventure companion, and my most reluctant yet inspiring photographic subject. She got me way more into smelling things than is traditionally acceptable as a human, but I got her more addicted to those spider-like head-massagers than a lot of dogs would probably understand either. We both snorted excessively and uncontrollably, usually while laying on the floor messing with each other, and probably to an intolerable degree to any witnesses. Though I have no idea who learned that from who.

Sadie was the first dog to fill the gaping, aching, doggy-shaped hole in my human heart, so this is my goodbye to my spry, hyperactive, nothing-but-muscle, ice cream-obsessed, tinder-hearted, newspaper-only-retrieving dog.

Rest in peace my angel, my love, my baby girl. You will be remembered and treasured always.