X-Post Facebook Pt. 2

April 25, 2017:

Beef bones are VERY popular. People want them for broth and they want them to give to their dogs. A lot. People also don't really know how to ask for them. A lot.

Customer: "Hi, do you sell dog bones?" Me: "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't butcher dogs here and I'm a little affronted that you would ask."

May 2, 2017:

What is the world coming to when you can't tuck and roll under your own closing garage door like Indiana Jones because the sensors just send the door right back up when it realizes you're flailing around underneath it? Safety Schmafety I'm TRYING TO FEEL ALIVE HERE

May 6, 2017:

Anna: "Dolphins are so cute, and smart, and funny." Me: "...Omg...they're the perfect man..." Anna: "Let's date dolphins!" Me: "Okay but how are we gonna--?"

May 17, 2017:

1. Wake up at 5:30 and work out. 2. Work for six hours (power through spinal pain). 3. Get home and create an entirely new short video from scratch for my portfolio, plus apply for five new jobs instead of falling asleep! 4. ✨Feel Productive!✨ 5. Poor glass of wine to celebrate. 6. Go to take birth control pill. "I am woman, hear me take control of my lif--!" 7. Drop birth control pill. 8. Save it. "Phew! That was a close one! My reflexes are on poi--" 9. Drop birth control pill again, right into the barely open slit in the lid of the disgusting, stinking trash can. 10. Recall Port 'o' Potty Incident. 11. Recall all past regrettable decisions. 12. Leave the glass where it is and drink from the bottle.

May 20, 2017:

I went to a Crawfish Boil Funeral today where I was absolutely the only person wearing black, and if that's not the most Louisianan thing you've heard this week then I'll eat...some more crawfish.

May 25, 2017:

I just got tipped with a dozen petit fours and my shock and joy legitimately frightened my coworkers, but honestly, if you don't accept 12 free miniature cakes like you would an Oscar there's something wrong with you, not me.

June 4, 2017:

That feeling when you finish your Maid of Honor speech and realize you actually managed to not once mention Michael Phelps, dolphins, Batman, port-o-potties, or go off on any kind of tangent about bouncy balls...this time. #practicemakesperfect #secondtimesthecharm #growingup

June 12, 2017:

In order to run the butcher shop's Instagram, I'm just signed into my (male) boss's account. Scrolling through the feed today I realized that where before there were no ads, now there are a ridiculous number of ads about bras. Me: "Uh...Boss...I just noticed most of our ads now are for bras......I'm sorry..." Boss: "...YOU!! My wife has been questioning me about this!" Me: "I have to wear a backless dress for a wedding so I've been very diligently web searching..." Boss: "Ah, I was wondering why they were all gravity defying." #embarrassing

June 17, 2017:

Dental convention taking over the entire hotel lobby of friend's wedding weekend: "Ugh stupid freaking dental convention" Lose my toothbrush the first night in: "Yay! Dental Convention!"

July 2, 2017:

First night in D.C., agog, I witness two very nicely dressed women dine and dash at the table next to me. So thaaaaaat's how people afford to live here!

July 11, 2017:

There is a girl on my metro ride to work and I've noticed we always end up standing next to each other in the car, usually sharing a pole (💃🏻). I like her style and I think it would be cool to have a commute friend. Sooooo should I, or should I not, use: "Hey girl...Subway, meet fresh?" as my pickup line?

July 17, 2017:

My personal office phone at National Geographic rang for the first time today!! It was a wrong number obviously but I also answered with, "Iverstine Farms Butcher, this is Darcy, how may I help you?" So let's just say that that stranger and I both made a valiant effort and hope we'll do better next time.

July 26, 2017:

My 22-year-old coworker found out I was 28 today. Her reaction was so extreme I looked over my shoulder to see if there was a monster behind me, and what do you know! There apparently IS a monster behind me AND ITS NAME IS DEATH

August 8, 2017:

EVERYONE in DC is obsessed with their Myers-Briggs personality type. It's in everyone's dating profiles, it constantly comes up in conversation. It's the "Young Professional" DC version of a zodiac sign. I think it's pretty silly but that's probably because I'm a total ENFJ-T (emphasis on the J).

August 9, 2017:

Guys Checking Out Girls: 1. Face 2. boobs 2. waist/hips and/or butt

Me Checking Out Guys: 1. Face 2. Ring finger 3. Shoes and/or butt

August 16, 2017:

I work out at 5:30 every weekday morning on the balcony of the apartment. For the first few weeks it was peaceful, calming, and solitary, but for the last two weeks, as the sun has magnificently risen, the largest murder of crows I've ever seen has started to gather on the rooftop across from me to scream at each other like a bunch of old people at a concert. It's deafening.

For the first few weeks it was peaceful, calming, and solitary, but for the last two weeks, as the sun has magnificently risen, the largest murder of crows I've ever seen has started to gather on the rooftop across from me to scream at each other like a bunch of old people at a concert. It's deafening.

At first I was worried that this might be a pretty bad omen for my life in general. Then I thought, "maybe I just have a very full inbox from Westeros" (which can't be good either), and finally I considered that maybe these narcissistic birds heard I work for Nat Geo now and are vying for their chance in the spotlight. Here's a hint, birds: we decided to go in a different direction.

But I've learned that I have a secret weapon. Every morning, without fail, these crows fly off in a bird cacophony of terror and/or disgust when I start doing jumping jacks, and only when I do jumping jacks. It is a glorious uprising of feathers and squawks that makes me feel like the Wicked Witch of the West about to eff up some little girl's shit. Sometimes I even pause to throw my hands in the air and cackle maniacally. The only way I can explain this mass exodus is that they are collectively experiencing genetic-memory-scarecrow PTSD and I am their version of technology gone TOO FAR. Hah! Crowards.

So I think the moral of the story is that as long as I continue exercising and say "no" to bad luck, I can keep Death a little bit further at bay. And that, my friends, is ~*~Life~*~ in a nutshell.

Also, can you imagine getting all those scrolls at once if you had been on vacation or something? *first one* "Aw yay! Ned is the new Hand of the King! Love that guy!" *unrolls next one* "Ah fack."

August 21, 2017:

Highlight of the solar eclipse was when a cloud covered the sun and every Nat Geo worker in the courtyard started clapping and whooping before they realized it was cloud cover and not moon cover. Outstanding prank, Cloud. I hope you put that on Cloud YouTube and your Cloud Resume.

August 25, 2017:

I wonder if Arya ever stands in the mirror holding up her faces like, "ughhhh he's gonna be here in 15 minutes and I just can't decide which one will really knock this guy dead..." #gameofthrones

August 27, 2017:

On Saturday night I met a guy from California who works for the Discovery Channel, which is the arch nemesis of Nat Geo Channel. So naturally we had a 2 hour flick-measuring contest and then in the wee hours of the morning I finally decided to Uber home. Cut to four blocks from the bar and the guy speeds up right next to my moving car, having chased down my Uber with his Uber, and is hanging out of his window begging me to give him my number. Our drivers are wide-eyed and confused, I'm apologizing to both of them profusely and telling him he is insane, he's screaming, "THIS IS A MEET-CUTE! THIS IS A MEET-CUTE!!" So I finally give him my number.

...And he never texted me. This is the modern "Romeo and Juliet" everyone, prepare for a plague to befall both our channels. “Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall text you til it be morrow. Or, you know, not. Idk. 2meirl4meirl lol.”

September 4, 2017:

Morgan and I are walking down the street, a random man we pass yells out, "damn, y'all lookin' sexy today ladies!" We ignore him. He then yells, "Damn, y'all ugly as fuck!"

And men are always saying women can't make up their minds.

September 26, 2017:

My Uber driver looked like Bernie Sanders, told me I wasn't human because aliens genetically modified hominids in 10,000 BC to use us for slave labor, and that Trump was going to fly our secret UFO stash to North Korea to scare Kim Jong Un away from nuking us.

...Five Stars.

September 28, 2017:

I accidentally bit into a gluten-fee bagel last week and I am now officially having nightmares about it. That shit rocked my worldview.

Celiac-Diseased People: I am so, so, so, so sorry. Gluten-Free-By-Choice People: I'm keeping my eye on you, you sick freaks.

October 2, 2017:

First walk home from work since moving into the city, I stopped in front of a group of homeless people to help an immobile pigeon with a broken wing get back on its feet, and as it waddled away all of the homeless guys told me I was a good person. Now to spend the rest of my life trying to be the person those homeless guys think I am. #citylife #yesiwashedmyhands

October 5, 2017:

Tuesday on our walk home a homeless man yelled at my two friends and me, “Damn, one of y’all ugly and y’all too scared to admit it.” Success! +10 City Girl Points

Found out my car was towed and ticketed as soon as I got home: Fail. -25 City Girl Points

Found it within 15 minutes: Success! +10 City Girl Points

Assembled my new dresser that night completely by myself (except for the last few screws): Success! +30 Single Lady Points

Got my car inspected yesterday morning: Success! +20 Grown-Up Points After I thanked him, the older gentleman who gave me my car back said out of the blue, “Now, I can tell by your personability that you do something important.” Success! +50 Boss Bitch Points

Immediately after, finally got my DC ID and car registration on my third trip to the DMV, even despite the woman being extremely rude and trying to deny me for a fourth time: Success! +50 City Girl Points

Got a little weepy when she punched holes in my Louisiana ID: Fail. -5 City Girl Points, but +15 Louisiana Pride Points

Hit a BMW on my way home in my newly DC-registered car and cried for an hour: Fail. -50 City Girl Points

Called my insurance, caught a cab, and went right back to work for a meeting: +45 Grown Up Points, +10 City Girl Points

I’m making the negative points positive by counting them as Learning Points, so despite doing a lot of crying yesterday, I’m at: 5 City Girl Points 30 Single Lady Points 50 Boss Bitch Points 15 Louisiana Pride Points 65 Grown Up Points 85 Learning Points (In the span of two days.) Grand Total: 250 Life Points!

I was feeling really down myself until I broke it down like this, but I’m emboldened to realize that I’m not even in the negative in City Girl Points after all those negatives, and I think that’s an important thing to focus on.

This is like “Oregon Trail” but I think having dysentery would be less stressful and expensive. Cheers, Today! Let’s see what you got this time.

October 12, 2017:

The grown-ass woman next to me on the plane was doing an adult coloring book but feverishly coloring everything the same shade of blue.

October 20, 2017:

Spent my entire 32-minute commute walking behind a haughty, strutting businessman in a suit and a congressman hairdo. He remained slightly ahead of me crossing each crosswalk, and apparently I took that as an extreme challenge, so naturally I was silently getting more and more competitive with him because I’m insane. Just as my fuming reached a fever pitch, a kit of pigeons rose up from the street. One flew sort of close to him and he flinched in terror so hard that I might have thought he had just found out one of his stocks had fallen.

And in that moment I overtook him.

You know, not physically, because he was sort of running after that, but my mental fortitude was definitely proven superior. Sucks to suck, suckerrrrr #mycommuteisboring

October 25, 2017:

Today a man at an outdoor café leaned over with his hand under his chin to blow his cigarette smoke in my face, like a kiss, as I walked by.

Dating would be so easy if I just hated myself.

Y’all “Big City” people need Jesus, or something to do, or a mass refresher course on social skills, idk. #heathens #gethelp

November 7, 2017:

Making a new friend while wearing identical colonial wigs turned out to be surprisingly delightful.

On the next hangout: “That is NOT what I thought your hair would look like!” “That’s not what I thought YOUR hair would look like!!” “Great color for Fall!” “All natural, baby.”

Now we just have to figure out if we can still wield the hammer of 18th century justice without our wigs on. #withourpowerscombined#costumesforever #datcostumelyfe

November 26, 2017:

You know what? If you DIDN’T accidentally get locked in the bathroom at your 10-year high school reunion and have to have one of the guys bust the door in to free you, did you even attend your 10-year high school reunion? #juryisout #whatiswrongwithme

Decemeber 1, 2017:

Synopsis of my interview with The Northface today: Them: “In DC, what does being an ‘explorer’ mean to you?” Me: “Do pub crawls count?” Them: “No, that’s not reall—“ Me: “Sometimes I army crawl between the bars to make things more authentic.”

December 9, 2017:

Pick up Lines Everywhere Else: “Hey girl, what’s your number?” “How you doin?” “Can I buy you a drink?”

Pick Up Lines in DC: “Have you ever been inside of the White House? I’ll get you inside of the White House, girl.”

December 12, 2017: First thing overheard at the NatGeo Christmas party: “This is gonna be so fun! ...You can’t get a DUI in a plane right?”

December 20, 2017:

*On a Second Date* Him: “I know you said last time that you’re not really into meat but my friends are going to a BBQ place later and—“ Me: “Okay, lemme stop you right there. As a Southerner, when I said, ‘I’m not really into meat’ I meant I’m not shoveling meat into my mouth at each and every meal. But like, I ate an entire bag of beef jerky before I came here, so...” *There was no third date*

December 29, 2017:

“Copy and Paste the first 12 emojis in your ‘Frequently Used’ section to get a sneak preview of your 2018.”

January: 😂 February: 😒 March: 😍 April: 😰 May: ✨ June: 👍🏼 July: ❤️ August: 😬 September: 😱 October: 🤢 November:🎁 December: 🔥

...soooo, January is a total laugh-riot, but February is disappointing and I start searching again for meaning in a seemingly meaningless world. In March I discover I can shape shift when my eyes inexplicably turn into hearts. In April I’m terrified of my own power, but in May I become more confident and prolific in wielding my magic. in June I’ve magicked all my troubles away, and in July I fall in love with my seemingly unstoppable powers. August through October is when my hubris tears me down and brings me to the brink of my humanity, but then in November I learn to truly control my gift and my human nature. Finally, by December I’ve transcended into a different dimension where I’m a lit-ass fire goddess.

Sweet. And I was sad because I never got a Hogwarts letter. #readyforyou2018

December 29, 2017:

I’ve had such a trying flying experience this trip with United Airlines that they bumped me up to First Class, and it was my first experience with such midair bourgerie. I acted like a complete pleb/Jack Skellington discovering Christmas Town, even getting my seat-mate to take a photo of me. But since I’m still mad at United...

COMPLAINTS: 1) The seat was so big that my feet wouldn’t even touch the floor. 2) They brought me an alcoholic beverage of my choosing while everyone else was still boarding and then unceremoniously made me chug it so we could take off. Then they immediately brought me another one. I am drunk. 3) They bring you such a full free meal of pasta, salad, and dessert, that I am now irritably full. 4) Seat was so reclined and comfortable that I fell asleep immediately after eating my First Class meal and missed most of the flying experience. 5) Beyoncé was not my seat-mate. 6) I will now NEVER be able to enjoy economy seating again. I am ruined.

January 11, 2018:

I identify a little too strongly with the lava monster in Moana. Hurling fireballs at fu$&boys and steadily turning the entire world into ash until someone gives your heart back? #thatsmygirl

January 20, 2018:

Me: “I’m doing Dry January!”

The Manager at Every Bar/Restaurant in DC: ”But but but...I made you these free shots though... 😢😢😢”

Me: “I’m doing Damp January!”

January 30, 2018:

In DC, EVERYONE asks you if you’re “watching SOTU” and expects you to know what that means. But no, I am not watching SOTU, I thought that shit was collectively canceled when we found out our president was reading and writing at a 2nd grade level.

February 1, 2018:

MRI Machine: worst spaceship ever, but a somewhat enjoyable dubstep nap. Three Stars.

February 4, 2018:

Favorite part of the #SuperBowl so far is the Eagles coach compulsively sniffing his lucky Waffle House menu in some kind of voodoo ritual

February 5, 2018:

I’m screening the last episode of Star Talk this season, where Neil DeGrasse Tyson interviews two astronauts who lived on the ISS. They reveal that a Russian psychologist sent the Russians a bunch of recordings of the “sounds of Earth,” like rain, and birds singing, and glasses clinking in a café, and all of the other astronauts freaked out and asked if they could have the MP3’s too. Then they all ended up falling asleep to them every night. And now I am crying at work again.

ASTRONAUTS MISS EARTH SO MUCH THAT THEY USE ITS SOUNDS AS THEIR LULLABIES, CAN WE ALL PLEASE AGREE TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF THIS SHIT NOW

February 10, 2018:

Me to my friends on Friday evening: "I just want to have a chill night, calm and sophisticated, nothing crazy."

Me to my friends on Saturday morning: "Do y'all remember when that French guy tried to lick my face and then I complained about it and the two of you actually licked my face?"

February 11, 2018:

I was talking to a guy and his friends in a bar, and the guy suddenly said, "I don't have a mustache I have a beard.” I was trying (unsuccessfully) to explain to him that he had both a mustache and a beard, and in its current state his mustache was a subset of his beard, but still very much a mustache. I was getting emphatic because someone who has a mustache insisting he doesn’t have a mustache was obviously becoming a personal philosophical challenge on the nature of reality, when I heard his friend stage-whisper to their other friend, “Dude, this chick is hood as shit."

I’ve never been so flattered in my life.

February 15, 2018:

Other Passengers on my bus every day (probably): “That girl has a weird look on her face...why is she acting like she’s absolutely jamming out with no headphones in?”

Me in my head: “Bus S9, DAMN you fine! Will you pick me up one more time? Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go... TO MY OFFICE, TO MY HOME WHEREVER I WANT TO ROAM YEAH LET’S PICK UP THAT GNOME To all toot-toot, mothafucka! To all beep-beep goddamn! To all toot-toot, mothafucka! To all beep-beep goddamn!”